so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
