Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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