Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
