we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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