Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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