"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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