did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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