I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's blow job season.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
