I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
