I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
