Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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