Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
