Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
