I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
