every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
