the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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