lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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