Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
