I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
