Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
