in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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