I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
