So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
