Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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