yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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