So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
