At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
