Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
