i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You are the jesus of drinking
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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