I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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