Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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