My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
