i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
