hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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