Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
