Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She has the best kind of daddy issues
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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