I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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