I'm so fucking centered right now
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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