Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
