i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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