Pants 0. Shit 1.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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