I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
