he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
