Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
