I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
