Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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