i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
