I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
