at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
