I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
