You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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