Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
